Clarification

Nope, not talking about butter here, honestly – I dunno if I’ve ever actually clarified butter…ever in my life.  But that is enough of talking about what I am not talking about. Right now, I would like to talk about – the Dharma.

Why not? No no, I am not about to start preaching about, anything really. Rather, I am going to try and put a tourniquet on my incessant complaining that I have been doing lately – ha ha! & start justifying stuff…

So when I say dharma, I am referring, simply, to work. Work is a big deal to me. I am a workaholic, and over the years I have come to realize, that I am compelled to break my own back by working, to the same degree that most (sane) people are compelled to avoid such a situation.

This used to really piss me off. & sometimes it does still moderately piss me off, but I have come to understand that there are pros and cons to any situation, and I have also come to be perpetually – moderately – pissed off.

*So I got to spend some time with my best friend last night, before she heads back to Oz(stralia) for god-knows how long and I return to passing my days without one decent – serious conversation for however long that might be. & just as an aside, we watched Paranormal Activity with her Ma and sis, and we were all screaming like ninnys the whole time (well, except mebe for Mom, she is brave…) so if you like to scream like a ninny then I do recommend this low budget flick, & I also recommend watching it within the safety of numbers.

After the movie, we were discussing paranormal type stuff, like other dimensions. We were rather in agreement that the dimensions beyond this one were probably – generally – more fun on a day to day basis, right? Which led us to make comparisons of our lives, here in 3.5D (+/-) to what they could be, if only teleportation were a more accessible mode of transportation. This, in turn, came around, to the dharma factor (not to be confused with the O’Reilly Factor, which I also recommend, if yer into watching horror). She was saying, that if we are stuck here in this lower dimension, where cool stuff can be so hard to come by…then there must be some reason. The infamous –  “Why am I here?”

Obviously I’d prefer to be else where.

I went to high school here, now who the hell wants to live there? Unless – yer into horror movies… Just the same, I had to retort that I do know why I am here, or at least feel like a have a pretty good lead on the matter, but I am still cut off form making it happen. This occasionally makes me very bitter. It makes me not want to make food for myself, or anyone else. Which only compounds the matter, because my job is to make stuff for people, not food, just drinks, but there is actually a lot to it. More than I think people realize, and this, in turn makes me resent. & resentments are fun because you can harbor them, & once they are safely in the harbor, then you can just hang out and fish from them! Just throw out a net and wait, you can find so much to be upset about, in this harbor of resentment.

What I am trying to get around to, with all of this, is that I work for someone other than myself, for the first time since 2004. He does not quite pay me a living wage, but considering the cost of living in this ‘hood, & with this economy, this is of little to no wonder. & in all fairness, the man does pay me better than anyone else ever has (um…besides myself, of course). But it is still very difficult, to put in so much work, day after day, week after week, and still have no place to go home to and relax in, and still never have more than a hundred dollars pocket cash at a given time. & above all, still never have any time to myself!

*Just to get back to the matter of dimensionality for one second here, I really do think that time and space are necessary for quality creativity – & yesss, I know that is a famous cop-out for procrastinating, but that doesn’t make it not true!

So I got to be pretty near the end of my rope today, I had a tummy ache after eating some questionable turkey slices (ick), then  some guy broke a bottle of wine on the floor – by accident, totally happens all the time, well once every month or three… It is the nature of heavy glass bottles full of liquid… and then the boss happens to roll through just as I am mopping all the juice up.  He notes that a different manner of display would likely be prudent, which is a totally valid point…but then he goes on to reiterate a bit, and I was like – yeah – I get it (AKA, my tummy hurts, I should have been in my car on my way home 10 minutes ago, I am broke as shit and thought my tax refund was gonna be here last week, but it isn’t) and I think, that I then made a mean face.

I had attempted to smile, but the damn thing cracked on me and collapsed into a scowl/snarl and I stalked off, defeated by my own freaking face. That is the trouble, you know. You can’t fake the Dharma…nor is it as simple as love-it-or-leave-it. I think I am on the right track, I am learning so much, & in so many different facets, and it is an incredible pain in my ass!

I just want to work on the cook book and hang out with my dog! Is that so wrong? I want to cook and write and go for walks with the little monster – which I know is insanely decadent and selfish of me, but I still want it, so there.

Instead I am left to this endless chore, which is to be preformed under the observation any one who might come in the store, customers and employees alike. All looking at me like I’m up to something! All freaking day…the best, is when someone orders something and then they just sit and stare as you make it. Are you familiar with that sensation? Someone, or sometimes even a little crowd of someones, all closely scrutinizing as you make them something to consume… It is annoying and aggravating and half the time I just want to tell them to eff off already! Which is horrible of me, and then I feel guilty, because we all know that people are essentially helpless sheep, mindless bleating herd animals.

No! Dammit! See what I mean? I don’t want to go there, that harbor of resentment… but food service has a direct line to just that place.

My conclusion is, that before there is dharma, there must be some more lessons to learn, most likely involving patience, humility, and mmm…

perseverance!

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